Week 10 gave me a shock, as we moved to Scroll III. How long I should persist, and how many curves I need to take until I reach the point I was looking for? And as I reach the point, the new horizon will open, and then I need to find a new point to follow. How long do I persist? I notice I don’t like the resonance of the word, how I see it echoing in my skull. Or maybe it is the feelings and interpretations related to the word. Am I really supposed to spend the next month with this text?
I feel all the energy draining from my body as I open the book. I notice I have an opinion. I rather succeed with love than persistence (as if they were exclusive) and prefer to greet the day with love. As I hear the word persist, my arms feel heavy, and I can imagine how my face is changing tenser. If I need to live with this text for more 25 days, I guess I must change my interpretation of the text and learn to hear it’s resonance differently. Otherwise, I am done.
“Persist until I succeed.” I notice an agony arising. The word persists sounds like an energy-requiring process. The word until means it takes time. And success is something that you may reach in the future if you persist. In my ears, the phrase sounds like it is excluding the possibility that you might be successful at that specific moment. Success is something you need to focus on and try to reach hard, it is something that is not in your hands yet. Success is something that lies in the future, and to achieve it requires lots of strenght and willpower which makes you move towards the chosen direction. The direction is defined by your purpose, which is something you have seen in your mind.
I need to stop for I moment. I need to think how about I see the success. What is a success? What kind of person is successful? What is the scale to measure success? What if my criteria are very much different from the others?
To live life according to your values is one big issue. It is all about that person in the mirror. Are you satisfied with the choices you have made? If not, are you able to understand and forgive that person who made the choices in the past? Are you able to manifest your values in your daily practices? Do you feel at ease if every cornerstone of your existence is shown in bright light and turned around to see the soil you have built on your being?
In that sense, I can consider myself as successful. What I have chosen, I have chosen for the reason, I can name what has influenced my decisions, and I am at peace with that. Of course, if I could decide again based on my current knowledge, I would choose differently. But I guess it is not most likely to happen. Instead, I have used the understanding I have gained next time when I am in a similar situation. I am still far from perfect, but still, I feel I can congratulate myself since I have improved at every cycle.
While writing this, feel one wish to arise. I would like to stop being that brave (my opinion says: stupid) young bull that keeps on hurting itself on the stings of the blades. I would rather follow my zodiac and take care of the pack cohesion of my tribe.